dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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