the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
