you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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