Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
