Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
