At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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