Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
