There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
