I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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