My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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