I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
