I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
