Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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