i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
