I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
