i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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