i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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