i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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