I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
