but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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