hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
