She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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