My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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