I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
