I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
