did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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