Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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