My liver just broke up with me...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
