As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
