....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
