They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
