I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
