My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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