so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
