yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
