Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
