idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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