Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
