I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
