Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
