U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
