Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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