oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
