I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize