i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
