so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
