i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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