Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
time to smoke my breakfast
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
