If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
