it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
