Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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