when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i think my cat just said my name.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
