he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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