Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
