the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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