turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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